Well, if the world is my oyster, then I seem to be gagging on it these days. Let's start with the boy situation. What boy situation!? Ha ha. Now, M, you might say, haven't you been involved with some perfectly decent fellows since you've been back?
Sure - perfectly decent if you enjoy men with secret coke addictions, men who don't follow up on their invites to The Simpsons movie, men with hair the texture of a baby and the conversational skills to match! And then there's Big Hair. The dark, handsome one I'd hoped would keep me warm throughout the winter and make me forget my small-town woes. Not quite the case. No, instead he pushed me into snowbanks, ran across the street without me, couldn't spell my name properly - all with the nagging feeling that a five year old was sticking his tongue out at me and singing, "na na na na boo boo" while he ninja-kicks me in the ass.
Don't be silly, M, you might say...look at who's next on the list of prospects: a Lebanese waif with an earring and a penchant for pretending to be something he's not - think tights, perfect diction and a spear. That ought to carry me right up until February 13, when he's called away to shoot a Best Buy commercial and doesn't think our relationship is good for his career.
Which is why I'm so grateful to have the company of S, who will nod in the appropriate pauses as I agonize and wail about the fact that no one appreciates me or wants to be with me. And then we'll spoon.
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I didn't mind the snowbanks so much. They made me feel like he thought we were cool and sporty or something.
Of course, then I realized that he probably pushes his grandparents and random people on the street into snowbanks and that no one thinks we're cool or sports-inclined.
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